The new iPhone Xs, Xs Max and Xr: a summary without the nerdy tech talk

The new iPhones are here. Read about why you should care about these three new models and why I will be buying the iPhone Xs.

Hey Apple fans and Apple haters, Android munchers and non-smartphone neanderthals. Today it was time for another Apple Keynote event, called ‘Gather Round’. And as Tim Cook always mentions just a few times (a lot), it was awesome and amazing and damn I just jizzed all over my screen awesome. (Slight exaggeration of course, where did I put the tissues?!) Without the severely technical nerdy details (sorry CNET, 9to5Mac, Verge, Engadget) let me give you a quick run down of what you really need to know about the three new iPhones: The Xs, Xs Max and Xr. And why I believe that the new iPhone Xr (the cheapest iPhone) is a very smart profitable move made by Apple.

iPhone XS and XS Max (big – biggest)
Yup, I remember the days where Apple was saying that their iPhones would never get bigger than 4 inches…ahum. You are forgiven, thank God you listened to the market.
As of September 14th you can pre order the latest and greatest iPhones from Apple.
Now I know that after reading the title you might have been wondering why you were reading about a new brand of Apple condoms. Come on Apple, the naming of these phones is becoming really ridiculous now. What is next iPhone going to be called? The iPhone Xs Max Ultra Avenger?! I am sorry Thor, I know how you feel.

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So no more TouchID, we are now transitioning toFaceIDonly on all three iPhones and to be honest I still have mixed feelings about that. However when you look at the quality, beauty and design of the display and overall phone then I can very simply disregard TouchID ever existed. Apple has done a great job at optimising space and design. And honestly it does not take a lot of effort getting used to FaceID, it is fantastic technology.

iPhone XS
Let us start with the successor of the 2017 top ‘notch’(see what I did there) iPhone X, the now called iPhone Xs, which has nothing to do with being extra small. Somebody fire the marketing and branding teams at Apple, please! The iPhone Xs has the same design as last year’s iPhone X and that is not a bad thing at all. Against all odds and criticism last year’s iPhone X (despite the notch and its $999 price tag) became the Nr.1 selling smartphone in the world.
Apple knows you do not change a winning team or in this case phone design. Jose Mourinho might disagree about that winning team statement though. Anyway, now available in three colours, not last year’s two. Silver, SpaceGrey and a beautiful Gold colour addition.

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FaceID according to Apple has become even faster and more reliable than last year’s version and knowing Apple’s track history of improvements I tend to trust them on that claim.

The camera has received even more technology upgrades that will make your eyes dazzle. Yes, the iPhone X already made the most beautiful pictures on any smartphone (bugger off Samsung), but now it will make even more more more beautiful beautifuller pictures, or as Tim Cook would say, awesome pictures. With Apple and I really mean this as a compliment, they always manage to go from 100% to 200% and beyond with improvements. The improved selfie camera now even allows selfie portrait shots. So cool, especially for all your Instagram friends who will now engulf Instagram with even more daily selfies.

Just when you think that certain speeds of processors, graphical performances are already pushing every limit, somehow Apple’s engineers (who should receive a lot more credit than they get) manage to squeeze even better, more, faster technology out of Apple devices. Astonishing. Awesome.

The battery apparently lasts 30 minutes longer than last year’s iPhone X, which is….uhm… (excuse my French) f*cking ridiculous Apple. Companies like ZTE, Xiaomi and OnePlus manage to fit 4000 mAh batteries in phones that are just as big and slim as yours. And those phones cost half as much as the iPhone Xs. Funnily enough Apple showed that their CPU and GPU (sorry I will not get more technical than that) actually use 30% and 50% less power that the previous versions. Sooooo, where is that power saving going then, Apple!? In your bank account next to those humongous profit margins?

Moving on to the display, well let us be totally honest here, the previous iPhone X already had the most detailed, beautiful OLED display on the market and Apple have just outdone themselves again (of course). I cannot wait to put Katy Perry as my wallpaper on this new iPhone, oh wait, sorry dear, I meant my wife.
P.S. Please grow your hair back Katy you look like a slutty lesbian.

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To my father’s delight the new iPhones will (finally) have dual sim functionality. This however brings the eSIM into play which means one physical sim card and a digital one, so not two physical sim cards. Except for China, because those commie bastards like to play hard ball with everything. Let me iterate that this is aimed at the government, not Chinese people in general, so no need to hack my iCloud account tomorrow, thanks. Should you wish to understand more about eSIM then please check out this article from my friends at Pocket Lint for a more in depth explanation.

And now something rather insignificant, but pretty cool nonetheless: AR measuring with your iPhone. Apple has added a measuring feature in iOS 12 that will allow you to measure any object with your phone through augmented reality.

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As with men is often the case, we tend to think with our dicks rather than our brains. (mostly, unfortunately). Therefore I can already imagine a lot of teenagers, but also grown men trying this out to accurately test the size of their ding dong. So no need to use your fingers anymore as shown in the picture below. Now let me see and try this here…8 inches uhm no wait 9 inches…


I actually just noticed the above picture is a little racist, so please disregard the colours and focus on the hand gestures. (cannot be too careful nowadays)

iPhone Xs Max (6.5 inches)
Now that is a big p…….hone, right!? Apple has never made a phone with a display size of 6.5 inches. Well as of September 14th you can now get the iPhone XS Max(ipad), sorry bad wordplay joke. Apart from the size of the phone and a larger battery everything is identical to its smaller sibling the Xs (5.5 inches). Apple claims to get 1.5 hours more battery life out of this compared to the previous smaller 5.5 inch iPhone X from 2017. Now again, as was evident by the awkward silence in the auditorium during the Keynote this is not a mind-boggling improvement. To deal with the larger screen size it will need this increase desperately.

You are probably now wondering how big these phones are to put things into perspective. See below a first comparison of the iPhone Xs Max (6.5 inches) on the left and the Xs (5.8 inches) on the right, with in the middle the current iPhone 8 (4.7 inches) (same size as iPhone 6 &7). And when talking inches I mean display size, not phone size.

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It becomes more interesting though when we do the same comparison with the previous iPhone 8 Plus which also has 5.5 inches of display. But, look at the size difference with the new Xs (5.8 inches) and Xs Max (6.5 inches).

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The new Xs (5.8 inches) has even more display size then the bulky iPhone 8 Plus but is considerably smaller in size and weight. Put that next to the new Xs Max and you get another inch of display size for the same size of phone like the iPhone 8 Plus. That is astonishing. As you can tell this was achieved by removing the TouchID from the bottom of the phone.

In conclusion Apple have delivered the best iPhones ever made and to my knowledge and opinion the two best smartphones of 2018. Pricingstarts at $999 for the Xs and $1099 for the Xs Max in the USA and in most European countries at around €1159 and €1259 respectively. These are the 64gb standard models, let us not even go to the prices of the 512gb version. Damn you Apple.

iPhone Xr (the supposed budget iPhone game changer)
Hold on folks, we are not done yet, there is one more new iPhone to mention: the iPhone Xr (6.1 inches)Wait Xr? Xavier? 10Regular? Sort it out knuckleheads!
Now all mockery aside the iPhone Xr is a brilliant move by Apple and will probably become their all time best selling iPhone, outselling the Xs and Xs Max. Let me explain.

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Firstly look at those (six) colours! I love the blue and red versions!

Secondly it has the same speed and processor capacity as its more expensive siblings the Xs and Xs Max. Nice one Apple.

Additionally it houses a single camera unit, but amazingly enough Apple have managed to add portrait mode to this single camera. You will get the same camera’s on the front providing you with FaceID.

Biggest differences are the display type and the price. This is an LCD screen, not OLED like Xs and Xs Max, which does make a difference in colour saturation and pixel density, or in other words does not look as phenomenal as the Xs and Xs Max.

However! We are now in a day and age where technology has advanced so far that we can barely see these differences with the naked eye. So let us not take the OLED vs LCD display comparison too seriously. Last but not least the price. In the USA we are talking $799 and in Europe (Netherlands) around €859 for the standard 64gb model.

Hold on, will some of you geeks say who have done their homework, that is the current price for an iPhone 8 Plus which is still a hell lot of money. And yes that is a correct assessment. However, considering the fact that Apple introduced a $1000 plus phone last year and everybody still went and bought it makes this a very interesting model. Apparently the price issue is not as big as a hurdle for most as they thought.
Add the processor capacity, camera performance, FaceID, a gorgeous large 6.1 inch screen, six bright colours to choose from and the price. That gives Apple a reach into a market of people that are considering upgrading from their iPhone 6/7/8 who can now tap into technology that until 2017 was too expensive for them.

My piece of consumer advice to anyone considering picking up the Xs, Xs Max or Xr, if you do not need the fancy camera’s and overly specced displays of the Xs and Xs Max, then do take the more affordable Xr.

Now Apple also announced the new Apple Watch Series 4, but I will keep that topic for another day. Weirdly enough there is still no word of the 2017 announced Airpower or Airpods 2. WTF Apple!

P.S. check out my next article also on the Apple Keynote Event with my opinion on what I believe is still missing from these iPhones. Stay tuned later this week. Thanks.