Carrot Weather: the rudest, funniest and most accurate weather app

Learn about the best weather app, which loves to swear at you, threaten you and also provide the most accurate and beautiful weather forecasts. This is Carrot Weather everyone.

What would it be like if you could have your iOS or Android weather app call you a meatbag, make rude jokes about the weather and actually provide very accurate weather in a beautiful format? Well, that is Carrot Weather, available to both iOS and Android devices.

First up you might be wondering what is with the word ‘meatbag’, because Carrot Weather’s AI loves to call its user ‘meatbag’. The word can be described as a slang term used by AI’s or droids to refer to humans or organics. And yes as you can tell it sets the tone for this fun ridden weather app.

Although based in the USA, Carrot Weather is surprisingly accurate in all predictions even rainfall. This cannot be said for most weather apps who from my many years of using them have failed miserably in accuracy here in Europe. Let me explain a bit further.

Meet Moira
Moira is one type of voice and AI you can set in the settings from your smartphone. Moira has an Irish background and accent, combined with that Stephen Hawking-esque voice tone makes it a very interesting sound to be greeted and humiliated by.
When opening the app on my phone (also not having your phone on silent), I am greeted by the home screen and Moira welcoming me with a message that is pertinent to the current weather. This however is not always done in the most behaved tone or way as you can tell by the below example messages.

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courtesy of Marcel van der Wilden©
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courtesy of Marcel van der Wilden©

Moira likes the F-word and some other profanity, however as I can imagine it is not to everyone’s liking to be made to feel like a piece of shit or meatbag, there is an alternative. There is something I could call a profanity setting.
When you go to settings you can actually set your AI, in this case Moira to different levels of rudeness and even include politics or not. I have to admit that the politics setting is heavily America focused and less interesting for the common European who could not give a flying f*ck about the US and their corrupt political system and celebrity molesters.

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courtesy of Marcel van der Wilden©

Under the personality settings I can set Moira to either a very timid ‘Professional’ Bill Gates attitude, or ‘Friendly’ like the next door neighbour who is secretly banging your wife, or ‘Snarky’ with sarcastic (mostly) free of violence comments as opposed to the last two styles. And I must admit, my more favoured styles. First ‘Homicidal’ which really brings the OJ Simpson out of Moira and as the app explains might threaten you and your loved ones with bodily harm. Then my favourite and also my daily setting is ‘Overkill’, which is like Jim Jefferies, Billy Connolly and Samuel L. (Motherf.) Jackson all rolled into one. And let me tell you it is great fun.

You probably are wondering why I would like to be sworn at, abused and threatened by a mere AI, but let me tell you, it will crack you up every time you open the app. Also when I say crack you up, I do not mean in a sad/crying or drug related sense, but in a laughing way, just to be clear. And I might, just a little bit, have some self-esteem issues as well, but hey let’s not get distracted here, meatbag!

Subscription
Carrot Weather is very decently priced for such a big and detailed app at €5,49 in Europe and $4,99 in the US. You can buy a monthly or yearly subscription additionally to that at a very acceptable rate of €3,99 per year or €0,49 per month.

Honestly I have not subscribed to the additional features you get for that amount of money which goes to greater customisation on your Apple Watch mainly and more in-depth notifications. However I have read nothing but good reviews about the subscription and if you like your weather detailed and customisable then do give it a try.

Secret Locations
There are a few funny gimmicks built into Carrot Weather, one of them being ‘Secret Locations’. This menu will offer you a bit of game in which it is your task to find famous landmarks or buildings around the globe by using a built in artificial map scanner of some sort. I have tried to find the Pyramids and the Pentagon but the novelty wore off rather quickly. This menu and function can be turned off in the settings, thankfully.

AR (Ass wiping rear end)
AR or Augmented Reality gives you another cool, yet gimmicky function. Here the app opens your camera and asks you to look for a flat surface and then it will project the weather in AR on that surface. It’s like Star Trek and Star Wars came together and infiltrated your phone, minus Chewbacca of course. Raaaaooorrrrr.

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courtesy of macworld.idg.se

Weather Accuracy
Now over the years I have used well known weather apps like WeatherPRO, YahooWeather, WeatherLive, Weather+, AccuWeather and The Weather Channel. You must have been bored Marcel? Ha, tell me about it.
But none of these apps have come close to the accuracy of Carrot Weather here in Europe. I can also add that after many reviews from other places around the world the accuracy is met with the same optimism and feedback.

The last few months we had the odd storm here (nothing like a hurricane), and the prediction time of it hitting was as spot on as Neil Armstrong remembering to say his lines correctly when filming the fake Moon-landing in 1969……Oooooohhh crap, no he did not just become a moon landing conspiracist!! Houston we have a problem.

Also the Apple Watch app is tremendously up to date, without you having to open the app on your watch for the latest weather information. Combine that with great graphics, design and even snarky comments on your watch screen make this a very complete and user friendly weather app.

Conclusion (back on earth)
From being called a meatbag to many other profanities. As well as providing a colourful, playful yet incredibly accurate and affordable weather app, Carrot Weather encapsulates the true description and design of what a weather app should be like.
As briefly mentioned before (we have to make America great again) you can download Carrot Weather on both Apple’s iOS and Google Android.

For a direct download go to the Carrot Weather website HERE to download the app or visit your iOS App Store or Google Play Store to start downloading….meatbag!

P.S. No lunar landing-craft, Apollo 11 or Neil Armstrong was damaged/killed in the creation of this article.

P.S.2. My opinions are my own and if you favour a different weather app then you are a meatbag.

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15 Tips for your iPhone’s battery life

These tips will guide you in becoming more energy efficient on your iPhone, getting the most out of your battery life.

It has been an emotional week full of Apple news, both good and bad. I had some conversations with friends about their possible phone upgrades and one topic kept coming up: porn and its effect on battery life.
Yep, porn was the biggest battery killer by far apparently. Crazy world.
‘Cumming’ ahead of PokemonGO and making selfies.
Okay, stop yanking my chain Marcel!
It is actually general battery life I wish to discuss here. Or in other words, the crap battery life on most iPhones. Let me try and help you with this rather neat list of tips and tricks to get the most out of your jiz..uhhm..juice!

Before we get down into the nitty gritty details as to why Stormy Daniels would ever shag that orange buffoon AND why your battery life is not up to scratch, let me please reiterate that this list ‘could’ help, but is not a definitive guarantee for each iPhone. It is important to remember that in some cases you can actually have a faulty battery and just need to replace it, changing settings will definitely not fix ‘that’ problem.

1. iOS update adjustment period
Every year there are a lot of people who complain that after updating to Apple’s latest iteration of iOS, their iPhone’s battery performance drops drastically. No Apple is not rigging your iPhone’s software to perform less. Not in this case. Anymore.
The reason for the drain is the fact that your phones files and apps are arranged in indexes, keeping all of your phone’s information organised – and, quickly accessible.

When a major iOS update comes along, a lot of the code and systems that make up your phone get changed significantly. This means your iPhone has to re-organise and re-index all your apps and data on your iPhone, to make it more searchable. This results in a large amount of work the processor has to do, which inevitably creates additional drain on your battery. You also often notice that people tend to spend more time on their phones trying out the new features and inadvertently do not notice the extra screen time they are thus creating.

Luckily this process only lasts for around 24 to 48 hours, so your battery life should be back to normal two days after you complete the iOS 12 update.

2. Bluetooth off
Image-1A lot of people probably do not even realise that iOS turns bluetooth on by default when your first install iOS. If you do not use bluetooth accessories like an Apple Watch then turn your bluetooth completely off for some added battery juice.
Go to the app Settings > Bluetooth > Flick the green switch to the left

3. Lowering brightness
Image-1 (1)One of the biggest battery drainers on any smartphone is the brightness. When you are dealing with high quality displays like Samsung’s Quad HD+ Super Amoled or Apple’s Super Retina OLED’s then cranking your brightness up to max will severely impact your daily battery performance. My own iPhone 7 Plus mostly is set to 30 or 40% brightness.
Go to the app Settings > Display & Brightness >Brightness > Move the slider higher or lower. There is also a quicker method by accessing your Control Center by sliding up from the bottom of your screen or if you own an iPhone X or newer, sliding down from the top right of your screen.

4. Running apps in the background
Image-1 (2)Just like brightness, battery app refresh can also be a major downer on your juice levels.
Hidden in some of the lower levels of iOS settings and menu, you will find a list of all your apps, either with green switch (see picture above) or a white one. Green for one, white for off. With this list you should consider do I need all my apps to run in the background. Some apps like Whatsapp, Facebook and Email it makes sense, but I do not need booking app or airbnb app to be running all the time trying to fetch me updates. Turning off all those apps you do not necessarily need info from all day long will seriously help your battery performance.
Go to the app Settings > General > Background App Refresh > Flick apps on or off.

5. Location services
Image-1 (3)If you had not noticed yet, you definitely will now, iPhones have a lot of background processes to give you what you need and you probably did not even know they existed. I mean why would you be such a geek and dig through all those countless menus and settings? Right Marcel? (#nerd)
Well as I did it for you here is another hidden battery drainer called ‘Location Services’.
Most apps can track your activity from a location perspective or need your location to function properly (think Google Maps). You can tailor these settings in three ways, set an app to ‘while using’ (only use location services when you have opened the app), ‘never’ making any location service use impossible by turning it off or lastly ‘always’ when you always want the service to be available to that specific app. Something I do for my weather app Carrot for example.
You can find it by going to the app Settings > Privacy > Location Services.

6. Push notifications apps
Image-1 (4)If You do not want to see any fake news coming from your CNN or FOX-NEWS app then you just simply turn it off. Added bonus is that you also drain your phone’s battery less and receive less fake news. Every installed app gives you the ability to customise its notification settings through banners, badges and sounds which all drain battery in some little way. A lot of apps you really do not need to receive notifications from so save yourself some battery and turn them off for those apps.
Go to the app Settings > Notifications.

7. Turn on low power mode
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Should you get down to 20% or even 10% battery level then do not despair, Apple built in a ‘Low Power Mode’ which by activating will make those last percentages of battery last that little bit longer. Making sure you can catch that late night Uber home after a terrible one night stand with someone who’s name you no longer remember. It manages to do this by turning off background app refresh, push notifications, Siri functions, automatic downloads and certain visual effects until you fully charge your phone.
There are two ways to do this. The long way is by going to the app Settings > Battery > Low Power Mode. The shorter route is by opening your Control Center again and tapping the above pictured symbol (2nd pic on right).

8. Charge your phone to 30% – 80%
I will not bore you about the behaviour of batteries, but after a lot of research and experience I can guarantee you that it does ‘not’ harm your phone by leaving it on charge all night. However studies have shown that the optimal charge levels of a smartphone lay between 30% and 80% charged. So if you find yourself waking up to barely 20% juice, quickly pop it in the charger and probably 15 minutes later you are already at 40-50% and good to get through your average day.

9. Turn Wi-Fi off
Image-1 (5)Probably one of the most common mistakes made still by myself included is leaving Wi-Fi on all day. Yes, also Wi-Fi drains battery. What doesn’t you could say! Ha! If you leave the house and know you will not be in a public place using Wi-Fi just turn it off. There are two simple ways of doing this shizzle.
Go to the app Settings > Wi-Fi > Flick the switch.
Or open your Control Center as explained in Nr. 3 and simply tap the Wi-Fi symbol at the top. Now Apple for some reason decided that doing the latter does not completely turn Wi-Fi off, but only disconnects until the next day. It still does the trick as your Wi-Fi will not keep searching for networks in the background. But I bet you did not know that. #patmyselfontheback

10. Turn off (Hey) Siri
Image-1 (6)Apple’s AI Siri loves to help us in our daily lives by giving us the weather forecasts, helping us with reminders and being undecided on whether I am handsome or not. B*tch! My mommie always told me I was such a handsome boy! #mommiesboy
If of course you do not use Siri and her abundance in solutions the just shut her up by turning her off.
Go to the app Settings > Siri & Search > Switch off all the above settings (see pic).

11. Turn off sounds
Image-1 (7)My wife almost always has her phone on vibrate, which I personally do not like as I love hearing my personalised ringtone go off when I get a call. But there are more sounds that can have an influence on battery life. Keyboard clicks (when you type) and Lock Sound (when you lock your phone) are pretty unnecessary sounds (personal opinion) so why not turn them. Unless you love hearing yourself type of course.
Go to the app Settings > Sounds & Haptics.

12. Turn off iCloud
Image-1 (8)iCloud brings many advantages nowadays, from backing up your device to all your photos, music, email and contacts. It is a tremendous cloud based solution which unfortunately also gives a user far too many settings to play with again.
You might want to check whether you really need to have all those apps using iCloud turned on or not.
Do this by going to the app Settings > Tap On Your Profile Picture (top of menu) > iCloud.

13. Do not close all your apps all the time
Image-1 (9)Some of my friends and family are going to have a go at me for this one as I have (for many years) always informed them that closing your apps actually saves background processes and battery. Well….how wrong was I all that time!!
I can now confirm that constantly closing your apps actually drains more battery as every time you re-open those apps, the app has to start all its processes from scratch which takes more energy. Most apps are so smart nowadays that they do not actually do anything in the background when they are opened, thus making the constant closing of apps redundant. However if there are certain apps you have used but generally barely use, then close them out.

14. Change email from push to fetch
Image-1 (10)Do we really need to get every bloody email as soon as it comes up? Maybe you’ve got another email account that is less important. You can actually change these settings from ‘Push’ to either ‘Fetch’ or ‘Manual’. With Fetch, you can set an interval, such as every 15 minutes, 30 minutes, and so on, for your iPhone to check for new email. The longer you make the interval, the less battery you will be using. With ‘Manual’, it will only check for new email when you open the mail app.
Change your settings in the app Settings > Passwords & Accounts > Fetch New Data.

15. Edit search
Image-1 (11)The ‘Search’ function indexes and searches through every item on your iPhone. You can save a wee bit of battery, by filtering your searches, if you tell it to stop looking for irrelevant items.
Go to the app Settings > Siri & Search > Scroll down to your apps and turn off whatever you do not use.

I hope these tricks help you along a bit in making your smartphone as energy efficient as possible. Leave a comment if you have any additional tips that I might have missed.

P.S. No buffoons, baboons or Stormy Daniels were killed/hurt during the creation of this article.

*all pictures are courtesy of Marcel van der Wilden